Sick of cliche game recaps that rely on buzzwords like “poise,” “missed opportunities,” “punched in the mouth,” “set the tone,” “momentum,” “Willie Taggart’s jock strap,” etc? Of course you are; everybody is! Post-game recaps are the cottonmouth hangovers of college football: they’re an inevitable happening the morning after and you feel like rotting trash while experiencing one.
Well lucky for you, we’re here to fix this evil via a healthy dose of tom-foolery, Washington football, and… uh… that’s it, really. Enjoy.
An Abridged (and Completely Unbiased) Version of What Went Down
Washington started with the ball.
Jake Browning threw a long pass to Dante Pettis on the very first play. “Oh flip yeah,” yelled a Redhook-chugging Washington fan. “Is this how this is gonna go tonight?”
But then the voice of an ethereal disembodied narrator answered from the heavens: “I know that was a rhetorical question, but there is an answer and it is ‘absolutely not.'”
The Huskies and Utes traded punts on the first two drives before the Dawgs took advantage of some killer field position to march into the endzone. Unfortunately, Tristan Vizcaino missed the extra point and then Utah, upon getting the ball back, figured they should score themselves six points too. So they did. And then they decided they should probably hit the extra point as well.
Then of course Utah on-side kicked it after that because they were secretly being coached by the ghost of Chris Petersen circa 2007. Luckily for Washington fans, they only ended up with a field goal.
Double luckily for Washington fans, the Huskies went ahead and got themselves a touchdown. Then the next Utah drive concluded in Tyler “I Swear This Strategy Worked in High School” Huntley getting chased down by a contingent of linebackers playing the Jaws theme song and, in a desperate heave, throwing a big ol’ interception to Taylor “That Was a Bad Decision” Rapp.
The rest of the half was boring-er than a trip to the DMV, as the teams traded some punts before both hitting field goals.
And then the second half happened.
The Huskies didn’t implode so much as fall on their face and get dragged along while fighting for dear life to not lose their grip.
“Sweet almighty football gods, what is happening to this team?” Asked our Redhook-chugging, Washington-loving protagonist.
“I told you this was gonna age you by at least three dozen fortnights,” responded the disembodied narrator.
“This isn’t even fun anymore,” yelled our Washington fan. “Also, what’s a fortnight?”
The Utes tied it up with a field goal, then Tristan Vizcaino missed a chance to take the lead from a measly 30 yards. Officials hastily determined T-Vizzy was most likely developed by the Soviets in an attempt to destroy God-fearing Americans via a combo of cardiovascular erosion and discount bleach.
To make matters worse, the artist formerly known as “The Unbeatable Secondary of The PNW” was struggling. Myles Bryant looked like he was continuing his regression that had started in the Stanford game. Byron Murphy — for as great as he was/is — was feeling the rust of two months off from injury.
Utah and Washington traded some touchdowns and, with the Utes up by seven, it looked like things may get sad. The Dawgs turned it over on downs with less than five minutes to go. Jake Browning had been beaten up. Redhook bottles were being smashed.
The Huskies got the ball back for what looked like one more time. The first three downs were incomplete passes.
“Well, good thing we still have the Sonics — aw shet I forgot they left me for their secretary!” Yelled our Washington-loving protagonist.
And then something hitherto unheard of happened: the Washington offense, when it mattered the most, completed a first down.
And there wasn’t an incomplete pass ever again. At least, not on this drive.
They stomped down the field for a touchdown to tie it. Rumor has it, the Imperial March could be heard faintly in the distance.
“Holy crap,” thought the purple-dressed people in the stands. “Are we even allowed to comeback like that?”
Then the Utah defense got the ball back and used up approximately -2 seconds before punting back to UW. This was simultaneously a thoughtful gift from the Washington defense to its offense as well as a breakthrough in the study of the space-time continuum.
With the ball back, it looked like the Dawgs were content to go to overtime. They ran it a few yards. It wasn’t particularly striking.
And then something cuh-razy happened.
Utah called a time out.
“Bold move,” muttered Chris Petersen, raising his eyebrows. “Bring it, son; overtime can suck it now.”
Jake threw a 20 yard dart to Dante Pettis in the midfield, who got out of bounds. But the next play looked like it might end everything. Jake dropped back and was pushed around by the pass rush. He scrambled a net amount of no less than 3421 miles.
His thought-bubble was communicated telepathically to Washington fans everywhere. It went something like, “Crap crap pressure’s over there run away maybe I should run over the line of scrimmage — no don’t do that — but I really want to — no don’t do it! — okay crap here goes nothing.”
And he flung that dart 30 yards to some receiver who, thanks to everyone’s adrenaline rush, nobody could identify. (Forensics experts would later conclude it was Andre Baccelia.)
With 10 second left, Jake tried for a touchdown but couldn’t get the pass complete to Dante Pettis thanks to a questionable no-call pass interference.
Which brought us to the moment nobody had been waiting for.
Washington’s hopes lay with the man who had already missed an extra point and 30 yard field goal and whose season had been a roller coaster wild enough that most mere mortals would have died from the G-forces long ago.
Tristan Vizcaino lined up from 38 yards out.
And kicked it right down the middle.
“Flippin’ T-Vizzy my. Main. Man,” shrieked our Washington-loving, formerly-Redhook-chugging-before-having-smashed-said-beer-bottle-in-frustration protagonist.
It’s rumored Disney is already in talks to purchase Vizcaino’s life rights for a movie coming out in ’22.
Actual Non-Malarkey Takeaways
- As many others had pointed out, this was the first time we’d seen Jake Browning and Co. lead a come-from-behind victory. Part of the fact that we hadn’t seen one of these yet is a good thing (usually the Huskies just win the game before it comes down to the fourth quarter) but after the Stanford game last week, the ASU one earlier in the year, and USC in 2016, it’s refreshing to see the Dawgs’ offense can win close games. Is Washington the offense I all-the-sudden want in these end of game situations? Probably not — Oklahoma, Penn State, even USC and a bunch others are likely more trustworthy in two minute drills — but it’s reassuring to know all isn’t lost if the Dawgs aren’t already winning with five minute left.
- Goodness I hope the defense — especially the secondary — regroups for the Apple Cup. They’re still more reliable than almost any defense in the country but the injuries in the defensive backs have been brutal. It’s not unreasonable to assume that, as last week was his first time playing since September, Byron Murphy was shaking off some rust, but Myles Bryant and Austin Joyner have played shakily compared to their normal standard and Jojo McIntosh looks like he’s sacrificing form and angles just to make a big hit.
That’s it for this week. Next stop: OH MY GOD IT’S APPLE CUP TIME.
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